It's so easy. We all do it from time to time. We love them
so much. We just want to protect our children from anything
that might harm them. So we reach out our arm and gather
them in. We do their chores for them so they can enjoy a few
more moments of play. But these choices carry consequences.
When you shelter your children or do what they can do for
themselves your children become overly dependent. Worse,
they don't challenge themselves or develop self-confidence.
Learning self-reliance and independence comes early. But it
doesn't happen without your help. You need to support your
children by teaching them to be independent. In this article
you'll learn how to encourage your childrens' independence;
how and when to let them do things on their own; what to do
when they need help; and what to do when things go wrong.
Let's Meet Julie
Julie is six years old. She's shy and indecisive and doesn't
have any close friends. Julie's teacher, Mrs. Sterling,
often keeps Julie company at school and gives her extra
help. Mrs. Sterling doesn't mind. Julie is such a quiet and
well-behaved girl.
Then, at a parent-teacher meeting, Mrs. Sterling mentions
Julie's behavior to her parents. She wasn't always that way,
they say. Julie was a wild baby and got into everything. At
the time, Julie's parents were concerned for her safety so
they kept Julie in her playpen, put up gates throughout the
house and even put her on a leash at times. For her safety,
they added.
Eventually, Julie grew out of her wanderlust and became a
polite little girl. But maybe we overdid it, say Julie's
parents. Now she isn't interested in doing anything on her
own. She just waits for us to advise her.
Mrs. Sterling suggests that they give Julie a light
chore--something she could easily accomplish. Maybe that will
help Julie feel like she's in charge and already has
permission to do a good job on her own. Julie's parents
agree.
In a few weeks, Mrs. Sterling notices that Julie is seeking
less help and spending longer periods with the other
children. Then one day in a burst of pride Julie tells Mrs.
Sterling the proper way to empty a dishwasher and put away
the dishes. Mrs. Sterling thanks Julie for the lesson and
smiles as Julie runs off to play with her new friends.
Now let's take a look at how you can teach your children
independence, self-reliance and the joy of confidence.
Encouragement
Parents need to support their children in their natural
quest for independence. A great way to do this is with
chores. Most kids are in a hurry to grow up; helping out
around the house teaches them responsibilities and shows
them they can make a difference through their actions.
But be careful. Your child can sense if you're concerned
about their abilities. Let them know that it's a big help to
have them involved and give them jobs they can accomplish.
If you're apprehensive about their safety or performance
give them another job.
Allowance
Children who are allowed to do things on their own develop
self-reliance. Early on, leave your child alone for small
periods. They'll learn that they're safe and can do things
without you in the same room. Later, friendships teach them
to cope in different situations. Chores, hobbies and
homework develop independence, too. Here are some methods to
help your children succeed on their own.
o Model self-reliance in your own behavior.
o Show them step-by-step how a project is done.
o Make sure they know the goal so they go in the right
direction.
o Make the project fun! Time it. Do it backwards. Dance.
Make a game out of it.
o Set timelines for a project, but let your children
complete it their own way.
o Let them do the job in parts so they succeed each time
they work on it.
o Let them fail. Let your children try things their way and
learn from failure.
o When they forget to do a chore, show them the
consequences, but don't do the job for them.
Support
Knowing when to step in and help your child with a project
can be challenging. Here are some guidelines, but observe
how your children solve problems and support them
appropriately.
o Step in to support your children when their approach is
unsafe, unhealthy or disruptive.
o In general, make yourself available to help, but encourage
them to work through any snags they hit on their own.
o If you do step in, emphasize what's working and then
suggest ways to do the job better, or consider doing the job
together.
o If the job is done well enough... leave well enough alone.
Perfection is not the aim. Unless the work needs to be
corrected for a very good reason congratulate your children
on their efforts. And praise them often.
Learn from Mistakes
Part of self-reliance means learning from mistakes. Here are
some tips to help your children keep going when things go
wrong.
o Tell them everyone makes mistakes.
o Tell them it's the effort that counts.
o Tell them you love them no matter what.
o Point out what they did right.
o Ask them how they could do it differently.
o Encourage them to do the job using their new approach.
Protecting your children from harm is vital, but it's also
important to allow them to explore, to engage in life and
even to fail. That's how they learn self-reliance. In the
long run, if children aren't taught independence they lack
self-confidence--and that's very difficult to learn later
on.
Encourage your children's independence. Teach them how to do
things on their own and support them as they learn. Perhaps
one of the greatest gifts you can teach your children is to
learn from their mistakes and to fill their lives with the
confidence and self-reliance necessary to succeed.
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